“Well-behaved women (and men) seldom make history” or How being disagreeable can work to our advantage
From the time we were in elementary school, most of us have been taught to be nice and get along with others. The implicit assumption being that if we do, we will be liked by them. And research suggests that that is often true. Individuals who are high in agreeableness, the tendency to seek harmony with others, is indeed associated with popularity. Agreeable people are more well liked, are often chosen as group leaders, and have more successful romantic relationship among many other benefits. Nevertheless, our tendency to view agreeableness in an entirely positive light fails to capture the nuance of this trait. For example, while agreeable people may be liked by co-workers, those same co-workers may take advantage of them, allowing them to do most of the work and then piggyback off of their effort. While they may be highly thought of by bosses they are frequently passed over for promotions in favor of less qualified co-workers because the agreeable person has failed to highlight their own contributions to the organization. And while agreeable people may be less likely to divorce, they may also be more vulnerable to mistreatment because they are more willing to tolerate bad or even abusive behavior. In short, agreeableness is not all positive. Likewise, being low in agreeableness is not always negative.
Although research shows that agreeable people are generally preferred over less agreeable people, there are contexts in which disagreeable people can be extremely well liked. For example, they may be particularly effective in situations that do not involve long-term, one-on-one interactions. They often make good first impressions and when combined with extraversion the disagreeable person may exude a superficial charm that is quite appealing to strangers. While those in their personal orbit may eventually tire of their self-absorption and self-serving antics, such individuals are often valued for their leadership qualities. The disagreeable extravert has a drive to reach the top and no reservations about stepping over anyone necessary to get there. They live to conquer. And when combined with high conscientiousness these individuals sometimes appear unstoppable. President Donald Trump is an example of someone low in agreeableness, high in extraversion, and high in conscientiousness. And he’s not alone. Research shows that, on average, US presidents are lower in agreeableness than the average American, and those regarded as our greatest presidents are lower in agreeableness than the average president. So, why is a disagreeable personality so advantageous in some situations and not in others?
Part of the answer lies in the fact that different roles require different traits. Choosing a friend or a romantic partner is very different than choosing a leader. It’s like choosing a guard dog to protect the family vs a lap dog to love on. Agreeable people make great spouses but may not fare so well against Vladamir Putin (another quality of highly agreeable people is they can be overly trusting, definitely not a desirable quality when dealing with a political adversary). The disagreeable extravert projects strength and confidence, qualities that are highly sought in a leader. Moreover, they are willing to take bold action when necessary, without being unduly influenced by the reactions of others.
But the other important consideration is power; the less power you have the more disadvantageous it is to be disagreeable. A disagreeable person at the bottom of the hierarchy is likely to get squashed by the more powerful people in the group. Indeed, agreeableness is, to some extent, an expression of powerlessness. Generally, the less power we have relative to another person, the more agreeable we tend to be (no one is disagreeable to a despot). But as status increases, low agreeableness becomes less of a liability and more of an asset; it increases the chances of getting what you want as well as earning the respect of others. So, while it is true that highly agreeable people tend to be popular, it is not necessarily the case the highly disagreeable people aren’t. When the relationship is instrumental rather than personal, we often favor the disagreeable person.